Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Eating fear

Flipping through draft posts that never quite made it to the big time, I came to this one. The contents, a haphazard bulleted list meant to jog my memory, didn't mean a lot to me - but the title certainly did. Two words I put together a year ago neatly encapsulate my mental state.

I've been considering the chasm between my life as it is and my life as I want it to be. Actually, my analysis isn't even that far along. My life as I want it to be ... is hazy, a few pencil strokes on the page, a rough sketch. Sometimes a goal is borne fully-formed, like Athena from the head of Zeus. And other times, the process is much more amorphous and painfully slow. I feel like I have to cultivate the right environment, and allow ideas to percolate at their own speed.

I've found that the best place for me to ponder is..... not at home (which is a bummer, since it is so convenient.) I spent a good part of Saturday at San Gregorio beach, hunched into my sweatshirt, watching the waves and jotting notes into my journal. I am (dreaded cliche) trying to "think outside the box." I am trying to pull together all the various threads of things I enjoy, from the specific ("I miss dancing") to the much more general ("I want to create a community of reliable people I trust.")

It's scary, this "thinking outside the box." It's difficult to identify your assumptions and beliefs, let alone question them. What would you do with your life if you could tear it down and build it back up again? If people's expectations (and more pointedly -- your own) didn't cloud things.

I can't say that I have a dream (or a Goal) yet, but I'm getting there.

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