Sunday, June 12, 2005

To the would-be Romeos

  • I am walking somewhere as a means of transportation, or to enjoy the day - NOT hoping to meet and/or talk to you. I will start out polite, but cold....and get colder.
  • In fact, I don't owe you a conversation, or anything else. Yelling won't help. Calling me a racist, a bitch, etc. might make me laugh (at you.) But, oh, I still won't owe you anything.
  • Don't hit on/leer at me while you're picking your nose. That's right, your finger has broken the close of your nostril - you're now picking your nose. That's hot.
  • Don't tell me about how "you knew this Indian girl once." Do you think I feel closer to you? I don't. There are a billion people in India, never mind the whole diaspora.
  • Similarly, any line that starts out "Yo, Indian girl"... Pat and I still laugh about it 5 years later - not the desired effect, I'm sure.
  • Shower, not shower in cologne. Enough said.
  • If you are 2.5 times what you THINK my age is - what are you thinking? We can't all be Tom Cruise, you know.
  • When the line "I see you in school 'cuz you got books, what time you get off school?" tripped off your tongue so easily, I wondered how many high school girls you've been trying to chat up. Seriously - gross.
  • This may be a DC thing: do not hiss/suck teeth/make kissy sounds at me. Trust me, this doesn't make me want to get any nearer your creepiness.
  • When I tell you to take a picture because it will last longer, don't look affronted - you're the one who's given me the elevator look 3 times.
  • Construction workers, et al. - wow, you must really think you're the Big Man. Don't be surprised if I channel my inner Miranda and talk to you/yell back. Kinda funny how the Big Man looks so creeped out when I yell, "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
  • Please don't chat me up while your girlfriend/wife is in the same aisle of the grocery store. It only makes me really sad for her.
  • I just find it funny when you try and hide your left hand. I know you're married, but don't worry - I wouldn't go out with you even if you weren't.
  • Do NOT hit on me when I'm with my mom. I'll be less harsh, it's true, but it still won't make a difference. I have an entire lexicon of "looks causing death." As my friend Rick once said, I can make your blood stop and reverse directions with a glance.

9 comments:

Amelie-Freak said...

Amen.

After ignoring a douchebag last night, he told me I looked fat and pregnant and needed to work out. To which I responded: "It's most definitely NOT with your baby and not with the help of your skinny d***."

The empowerment feeling is a bit slow to come on, but your post helps. :)

shell said...

lol I just can't believe how many of these retards are roaming out there.....

Snubligent said...

Ouch. The thing is though... this has to work some of the time... I mean, unless you're mildly retarded (which actually may be the case) you won't engage in the same behavior over and over if it has a 0% success rate. It's like spam e-mail, every 4000th person must actually buy the penis pills, because someone still makes money sending me this crap.

sharoncnumbers said...

Ha...this definitely made up for my case of the "Mundays".

The best (read= horribly bad) pick-up line I've heard was actually from an international student. This guy hit on my friend Seema at some random Indian pary. He asks her, "Ohhh...your name is Seema...what does that mean?" She replies, "It means, "border"." He replies, *chortling* "Ohh....can I get a VISA into Seema??"

Heather said...

yo - maisnon. where you making out with the blonde bar/bri boy during the first section today?

maisnon said...

HA! I *wish* (mmm...not really, blondes aren't generally my type.) The volume was louder in the back, so I moved back there during the "technical difficulties" tape. I moved back to my seat when we switched to CD. BTW - could that have been any more brutal??

Heather said...

maybe they'll tap the lecture out in braille tomorrow. pretty soon we'll have to use our 'spidey-senses' to pass the bar.

Manish said...

Don't hit on/lear at me...

You don't like the Learing?

My love's more richer than my tongue.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.

G. said...

HAHAHAHA... I can't tell you how many times scumbags try to chat me up on the train despite the fact that I am WEARING A WEDDING RING and have on the big DJ-Style headphones I use to intentionally prevent people from talking to me.

Hint: If you talk to me, and I ignore you and point to my headphones indicating that I can't hear you, that's not your cue to wait patiently for me to take them off since I"m *SO* interested in what you have to say.