Thursday, July 07, 2005

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

My life at home is insular by choice: I have no landline, no internet connection, and no TV. I do not listen to the radio at home. It is my bubble, my sanctuary and I like it that way.

Today, I arrived at my office and found an email from Saj (who recently moved to England.) It said "I'm fine, I wasn't on the tube. Please don't worry." I hit the news sites, and I was just flattened.

I know it seems so obvious, but sometimes the cruelty, the callousness and the heartlessness with which people can treat each other destroys me. I called home to make sure that our family was accounted for. (Like all Indians everywhere, I have family in the U.K. - two uncles and their respective families, one on each side.)

I did a gut-check and realised I couldn't go to class. I went to the night class instead. When I got off the metro, there were cops on either side of the platform slowly and purposefully striding up the edges in battle gear. There was one in front of me, and from the way he was walking, I thought he was carrying a backpack in front of him. No, it was a gigantic rifle.

My sadness turned to anger: do the rifles make us any safer? If you "saw a terrorist" right now, could you shoot him without injuring all of us? Newsflash: terrorists, at least these terrorists, aren't afraid to die. The only people you are scaring are people like ME. I think this is all a big show for the general public, look - we're doing stuff.

But, I think that I was just jumping from one big emotion to another. It's much easier to be angry than to be sad and feel like you are wearing your heart on the outside. It will take a few days to feel "sorted", and to stop having that knot of panic right under my sternum that I had when I could see the Pentagon burning from the pike.

What can I do? I think that I can realise how lucky I am, and appreciate my friends and family. I think that I can cry a little. I think that I can have faith, and keep people in my thoughts. I think that, if I believe the affirmations tape I keep in the car, I can radiate love to the world and believe that I can help to heal it.


shell said...


I remembered 9/11. I called home and found out my mom was in NYC, and all circuits were busy.

We were so freaked out because we didn't get any news from her until HOURS later. She seemed calm, but she couldn't get out of the city because everything was shut down. A family friend ended up driving her to Jersey to stay there for a while until the airport re-opened.

The worst part is the despair - knowning there's nothing you can do (or there's ONLY so much you can do).

But we can't run away, really (even if we try) as long as there's someone/something we care about.

Heather said...

I wrote the exact same thing about the machine guns on the metro, almost word for word.

I'm glad your family is okay.

Marel Lecone said...

Take care to you and your family. These are tough times that we live in, for sure. We have to continue to speak courage and life and not fear.

I check in sometimes. Just stopping by . . .

suitablegirl said...

at least you took the metro. i can't bring myself to even do that. i've backed out of things b/c of it, that's the degree of lameness. i wrote it on SM and i meant it; if you were in ny or dc four years ago, this just brought it all roaring back. :(

i was at tryst today and AF; i thought of you. *hugs*

shell said...

Maisnon: In case you've stopped blogging from now until the day after the bar exam, I would like to wish you good luck on the bar exam!

jm said...

Ditto what Shell said!

Amelie-Freak said...

Me too, Maisnon-ster! I wish you the bestest luck for this test - and remember, it's ONLY a test. You're a cool blogger regardless. ;)