Friday, October 21, 2005

the morning sun when it's in your face

My homeroom teacher in high school once said that you couldn't pay her to be a teenager again. I'm a little embarassed to admit at the time that I thought she was a little cray - who wouldn't want to be 15 again? With all the possibilities available - every door flung open, a more trusting nature, not to mention {ahem} the bod.

Well, fifteen years later, I can safely say Ms. C was 110% right. You couldn't pay me to go back to 25, let alone 15. I've always been exactly who I am. When I was younger, this was not so much out of principle - I would have sacrificed that to be cool at my uncoolest (7th grade, anyone?) - but more so because I could never figure out how to be someone else. How to dress like them, flip my hair, and bite back my literary/film/musical/general trivia references. I still really don't know how to go about being somebody else, but thankfully, I'm not interested in trying. Besides, I'm too lazy to bother.

I would never have believed it as a teenager, or even in my early 20s, but getting older has been wonderful in so many ways. I am so much more comfortable in my skin, and accepting of other people. I'm mellower. And I feel less sure about things, but in a good way: I've become less of a control freak, and more able to deal with uncertainty. I used to be much, much more ruled by reason and logic and now I see where intuition, emotion, and your "gut" can take precedence. I can be vulnerable - I can even cry(!) - I used to see that as such a weakness. (I may have taken it too far: I cry if someone else cries, and I get weepy in more movies than I'd like to count.)

I really wonder what things will look like in another 15 years.

1 comment:

sally_H said...

Sounds like you're just trying to make yourself feel better. Since you can't get young again, you make believe that you're now oh-so-happy that you're older. It's a classic psychological hedge. Cut the melodramatics and give your journal some more substance. Write about things that make people learn instead of making them feel that in another 20 years you'll be writing how you never want to be 30 again.

And please no more pictures of your feet on Photos of feet should be left to the professionals and to those who have feet worthy of photographing. This isn't meant as a knock on your feet, it's just that I often like people to impose some self-judgement on what is and what is not acceptable. For instance, hanging your feet out of a car's window while in motion, is pretty much subjugating other drivers to the unsightly feet.

I'm just sayin'...everything else in your journal is fine.