Tuesday, December 27, 2005


Just to dig it all an' not to wonder
That's just fine
--Van Morrison

I've often thought my life would be a lot easier if I didn't think so much. If I could somehow NOT take every little thing and mull over it, crush it up and perform chemical analyses. Not just easier, I think that I'd be happier. But, there are things you can change and things you can't. At my core, I am a person who thinks too much. I appease myself, sometimes, by thinking that even though my lows are lower as an excessive-thinker, the highs are higher true.

Lately, I've been feeling different sort of neurosis. I feel like what I'm feeling is one degree removed from what it ought to be. For example, getting ready to check my Bar results, I did not feel anxious: I felt anxious about not feeling anxious. If this isn't the apex of thinking too much, I don't know what is. The craziest part is that while I'm thinking "shouldn't I be feeling X?", another part of me is thinking "dude, you know you're wigging, right?"

I may be trying to out-think myself. Things are really, really good right now. I've been living three months in the future for over four years, and now I can just live in this actual moment. This is the first December where I haven't had the scourge of finals. I'm happy and expectant. My anxiety over thinking I should be feeling something else is, I assume, my way of trying to suss out a problem that I feel has to be there.

And, now that I've done my experiments: tracked it through its native habitat, observed it in the wild, and examined its scat, I'm done. I can't stop being an over-thinker all together, but I can stop thinking that I should be somewhere else emotionally. I'm exactly where I need to be right now and, happily, that means I'm joyful.


Heather said...

Awesome. A post that analyzes why you think too much about thinking too much. If that isn't uber-blogging, I don't know what is. :)

I felt the same way about the bar exam itself...sitting in my Ontario hotel room and freaking out about why I wasn't freaking out. A vicious circle of pointless emotions. But it sounds like you've got it all together, friend, and are living la vida loca, as our collegue Ricky Martin would say. Bring on 2006!

Roonie said...

I think too much myself. But sometimes, you gotta remind yourself to keep it simple (we can omit the 'stupid'): when you've got it, you've got it.